No longer here…
I sometimes wonder whom would truly miss me if I were suddenly no longer here…
I made a huge mistake and no matter what I think or do I cannot forget or move on. I honestly don’t want too.
I went through a rough time a little over a year ago and for for the first time in my (29 years at the time) I said the words “I should just kill myself”. Obviously I didn’t and It really wasn’t so bad, but someone gave me hope and made me feel better, though I never told her about that or anyone for that matter, until now.
Then something happened; the huge mistake. Honestly, this mistake was my fault but, it was supported by several individuals feeding me misinformation about a situation and led to me not believing on myself and ultimately making the wrong choice. I regret very little in my life, honestly one or two things. This mistake is one of those regrets and easily the biggest I could imagine happening in my life. I don’t want to live with myself anymore because of it. I put on a facade every single day of happiness and smiles but I’m so depressed that I may never have another chance. This situation has made me question EVERYTHING I have done, wanted to do, have yet to do and even my beliefs, for whatever reason.
I’m not contemplating suicide, not really. Though I do find myself asking myself quite often, here recently, the same question: What’s the point of it all, without the person you know you love, when you know she will most likely never forgive you or give you a second chance?
In fairness, this may seem immature or high school, but not to me. To me it was the one. The one true, real thing in my life that made sense and I allowed myself to be manipulated by others that were jealous of that feeling. Allowed them to spit venom in my ears and allowed it to sink and permeate. Allowed myself to listen to it and believe it. Allowed myself to knowingly, without any self belief, make the wrong decision. A decision I will most likely regret forever.
So, what’s the point?